Faking The Opening Ceremonies

Well, news in recent days has shown the Opening Ceremony to be a bit of a farce. I can't say that I am very surprised. The fact that the IOC gave a country with a horrendous human rights record the Olympics suggests a lot of things they have done have been a joke. It is one thing to use computer generated images to make aerial shots of the fireworks seem more impressive but to have a small girl lip sync the national anthem is pathetic. Apparently the girl with the best voice needed some help from an orthodontist so they made her sing it and then had a "prettier" girl "perform" it for the world to see. As if anybody cares what a 7-year-old's teeth look like when she is singing. The whole idea of looks being important in this instance is creepy on so many levels. If they are going to fake the Opening Ceremonies I have a sneaky hunch they'll do whatever it takes to win a medal. China is such a great place, I really wish I could raise my daughter there.

(Photo from Getty/AFP.)

NBC Dropping The Ball

The West Coast and Pacific Time Zone are two things that cannot be beat. Getting to watch entire Monday Night Football games and every college football game allows this side of the country to accurately critique football teams. We do not let the New York Times tell us which teams are good because we can see it for ourselves. When it comes to these Olympics though NBC is being (a not so kind name according to my father-in-law). Why on earth did I have to wait until 11:30pm to watch the men's 4x100m swimming relay last night? It happened at around 8:30PDT.

I am not a television ratings genius but I have a feeling shows between 8 and 9 get far better ratings than shows on between 11 and 12. To make matters worse NBC hit me below the belt by saying Phelps started at 10:00pm. Yeah, the swimming did and maybe they did a short piece on him around 10 but the relay was long after that. If NBC can send HD all the way from China to California then they sure as hell can move around tape recorded events so I can watch the events without having to be completely worthless at work the next morning.

Now I do not want to sound like I hate another country (I likely will anyways though) but why did we have to hear the Japanese national anthem last night before the relay? I patiently waited for Phelps and the guys all night long and they delay it even more so I can see that. Put a montage of national anthems at the end of the broadcast if it is so important. Call me an American pig but I have absolutely no interest in watching that at 11:00pm or whenever it was. And just when it couldn't get any worse NBC decided the Star Spangled Banner was not necessary after the amazing relay. In reality that didn't bother me since a guy from France with a name pronounced just like my mother's (a fairly feminine name here in the States if you ask me) choked. Seeing a Frenchie (an American swimmer's word, not mine) with a girlie name cry in the pool was a great way to finish the night. I just wish it had been a couple of hours earlier.

Late Look At Opening Ceremonies

The incredibly confusing time difference makes a late recap of the Opening Ceremonies acceptable. I am a huge fan of the Olympics. During the Olympics I hate every competitor that is not American. I realize having outrageous American pride is not cool these days but I do very few things that are cool. A sappy story from NBC does nothing to change my opinion. If you are not wearing the Stars and Stripes then I am rooting for you to lose, get hurt, quit or all of the above. To top it all off I strongly dislike China at all times so I am really getting into these Olympics. I stayed up what seemed like all night to watch the Opening Ceremonies and noticed some things. It started at 7:30pm and ended at midnight. Since becoming a new dad midnight now seems like 4:00am but I battled through and made it to the end. I commend myself on getting the Games off to a very strong start and setting the tone for the rest of the team. Now the in-depth analysis:

China is stupid - They spent $300M on the Opening Ceremony, which is nothing short of ridiculous. I could care less if Bob Costas wants to blow hot air about how beautiful and miraculous it is. China is a pathetic Communist country that should be spending its money in better ways. We are only two days into these Games and I am sick of the American media spending all of its time talking about how great Beijing is. Costas and all of the others are scared to say anything truthful about China so I hope they stick to talking about the competition and leave commentary on the actual country to people that aren't sell-outs. Okay, I'm done ranting on China. There are not enough fireworks in the world to make me change my mind.

China is really stupid - A country that appears to be larger than the United States has one timezone! Please don't let any person that loves bashing Americans (this includes pretentious Americans) tell you Chinese people are smarter than we are.

Attractive athletes - You know some of the South American athletes are very attractive when I find myself appreciating their presence at the Games and could find myself rooting for them. Did anyone else notice the only athlete they showed from Paraguay?

Random countries - Since all countries, for the most part, are a part of the Olympics I shouldn't be surprised to see a country competing but I was. I would expect to see Palastine if suicide car bombing were an event or Nicaragua if drug cartel efficiency were a factor in gymnastics judging.

Familiar face - The gentleman holding the flag for Belarus looked eerily familiar to an ophthamologist I know in Eugene, OR. Not too many mustached men with gray hair holding flags in Beijing.

Fashion police - I am famous for having an impeccable sense of style. Recently I asked my wife if a black polo would look good with brown pants and was laughed out of the bedroom. (Please no jokes about being laughed out of the bedroom. I have thought of them on my own so it wouldn't be orginal.) Come on, I thought black went with everything. With that being said the Hungarian women were wearing white dresses with large red flowers. They looked an awful lot like a dress my mom wore in the late 80s for one of our Easter family pictures. Hungary was not the worst dressed folks though. Someone in Denmark thought it would be a good idea to wear jort capris. Maybe appropriate at an SEC football game but certainly not the Olympics.

No Borat - I scoured the Kazakhstan team for Borat and could not find him. A few of them could pass as his cousin but that is about it.

W is proud - My coolness is going way down because I thought it was awesome that Bush was there and that he was fired up when the US team came into the stadium. Most people probably dislike him enough to never read my blog again because I said that but I could care less. My American pride is at an all-time high right now.

Jason Kidd - People should be more offended by Jason Kidd's presence in Beijing than Bush's. Kidd is terrible and old. Not a good combination when we are trying to reclaim our rightful place at the top of the basketball world.

Chinese Taipei or Taiwan - Would someone explain this to me? I went to school with a girl from Taiwan but whenever a team from that country is competing at a world event (Olympics, Little League World Series, etc.) it is listed as Chinese Taipei. If they want to be called Taiwan why do we bother to call it by a name China would prefer?

Torch lighting - I heard so much about the torch lighting that I had no other option but to stay up to watch it. It was kind of cool to see an old gymnast look a little awkward trying to run around the top of the stadium but it took forever. I took two naps while the torch was going around the stadium and the lighting ended up being okay. The HD made it look cool but China should have spent $350M so the actual lighting was more spectacular. They couldn't displace another million poor people to use a panda bear for the torch lighting?

Medal count - There was talk at the Opening Ceremonies that China had a chance to overtake the US in the medal count. Over my dead body. If China ends up with more medals than the US then you can be guaranteed Olympic drug testing is a joke. I have nothing more to say about that. The US will dominate the Games and I am going to love it.

China Would Never Cheat

I have professed my belief that the Chinese will do whatever it takes to look good for the Olympics next year. It is true that they plan on shooting missiles into clouds to avoid rain, they have displaced a fair number of people to make room for Olympics-related things. China is well-known for giving the middle finger to the copyright laws of other countries, they don't treat citizens as well as they should, the list likely goes on and on. I am of the belief the Chinese Olympic team will also do whatever it takes to win medals. I mean, it's a part of the culture so I would be foolish to think otherwise.

Today word came out that the DEA has busted a steroid ring in the U.S. that is incredibly extensive. These are numbers related to the probe: 124 arrests, 27 states, 56 labs, $6.5M, 532 lbs. of raw steroids. Now you're asking, what does this have to do with China cheating at the Olympics? Well, according to the report a large majority of the steroids came from China. You ask, what constitutes a large majority? Try 99.9%. My assumption is that the number is not 100% because some meat head at a fitness center mixed a PowerBar with cocaine and tried to sell 1 ounce of it.

Call me crazy for thinking this can prove my theory that the Chinese Olympic team will be the dirtiest one in attendance but I do. Should any member of the Chinese team win a medal I will most certainly think they are on an illegal drug of some kind. The fact that they don't fail a test will not factor into my opinion. The Chinese government wants to put on a show. Since it is essentially a Communist state the government can do whatever they want to ensure that happens. If it means spending crazy amounts of money on performance enhancing drugs instead of providing legitimate opportunities for many of the Chinese people then they will.

Beijing 2008 Will Be Awesome

Disclaimer: If anyone from the vaunted Chinese government is reading this know that it is a parody and not the true feelings of the writer of this blog. China is a great country and I hope to one day live there so that my future children can experience dry weather and whatever else the smartest civilization ever is able to come up with.

I realize I am behind the times but I'm not a big fan of the Chinese. Everyone likes to brag about their emerging economy and billions of people but that is not enough for me to think the future of the world is in their hands and I should bow down to them. A lot of things they do bother me but what I read today has to take the cake. They have decided they can control the weather and are sending missiles into clouds to ensure no rain. Repeat after me, MORONS! This is yet another action in a long line of them that will ensure the Chinese host the greatest Olympics ever.

Well, contrary to most people's opinions I think their Olympics are going to suck. Since the day they were awarded the Olympics I've thought it was a bad idea. My sister was in China when it was announced so at least I didn't need to act like I was happy when the news was broken like she did or risk being harmed. It still boggles my mind that the IOC granted China the Summer Games. In order to put on a nice show when the voting was being held they cleaned up by destroying shanties and displacing poorer people. I'm certain other things happened but I'd rather not find those out. The government's treatment of certain people isn't the greatest, yet because it is a place with a bright economic future the IOC decides to award them the Olympics. (Check out Amnesty International's website if you think I'm making things up. I'm in no way advocating for Amnesty International. I have no idea if I agree with what their political agenda, if there is one, but at first glance they seem legit.) This may be extreme but if enough "smart" people convince the IOC that Darfur is an emerging market, in the next 15 years the IOC may decide to put the Summer Games there too.

The other thing that really chaps my hide is that the Chinese government doesn't care at all about knock-off products. If you want to find fake Nikes, golf clubs or anything else of value China is the place for you. (This BusinessWeek article is a bit dated but I remember it from college and it applies.) Piracy has always made me mad and when an entire country supports it I can't stand it. I realize I should relax because this is all in the name of "emerging markets" so everything is okay.

They can build the greatest venues with the newest technologies but I'm not going to be impressed. My greatest hope for the Olympics is that the Americans sweep the men's 110 high hurdles. I won't like the fact that Liu Xiang will disappear from the face of the earth but more American medals is fine with me. Watch out for an inflated medal count from the host country due to a small factory staffed by children producing fake medals. The only chance they have of making a serious run at the top of the medal count is having their women's swim team compete in the men's weightlifting events. And one last thing, the Chinese men's basketball team is going to be an embarrassment to the sport.

(Photo from Greg Baker/AP.)

London 2012

I am amazed at human beings and what we do. The above logo is a perfect example on so many levels. To make sure everyone is on the same page that logo was unveiled yesterday!

That my friends is apparently the logo for the 2012 Summer Olympics in London, England. Having never been to the UK I was under the impression it was an industrialized nation and on the cutting edge. If that is truly what they have come up with in 2007 I must be mistaken. The choice of colors is downright pathetic. I have not seen those colors together since my 3rd grade indoor soccer team picture. My shorts had a few other fluorescent tones as well but it is obvious why I have not seen those colors since the late 1980s.

Then to top the conceptual masterpiece, according to the article, people in England have noticed that an animated version of the logo induces epileptic seizures. I have never dealt with such a condition and hope I never have to. However, my family did have a black cocker spaniel named Westhaven's Jumping Jack Flash (J.J. for short) that suffered from epilepsy. Anyway, I am not well-versed in epileptic seizures but I can imagine that an animated version of the above logo would make matters worse. Just looking at it in a sedentary state makes me want to scream. Given the choice of colors I can only assume the animated version used the same technology the original Oregon Trail computer game had except with brighter colors. The green on black of the Oregon Trail would not suffice for such a spectacular international event.

(Logo from MSNBC.com courtesy of London 2012 via AP.)