Monday, January 14, 2008

Local News Makes Me Smarter

The beauty of living in a smaller city is that it is small. No matter how bad the traffic, it never really is that bad. Things on the other side of town are all of 15 minutes away, no matter the time of day. Don't get me wrong, there is a downside: quality of local news. For this reason I never watch local news but for some reason I watched about half of last night’s 30-minute newscast. It was absolute comedy.

Story #1: The lead story on the local news was a house fire in a nearby town. That obviously is not funny but the eyewitness account was. Joe Neighbor described the burning house then started tearing up. At this point he shared that he found the neighbor cat and rescued it but it was not breathing. He proceeded to give the cat CPR and after a few minutes he believed the cat was beginning to show signs of life. I’m not sure what else happened because I was absolutely stunned and needed to consult with my wife to make sure I heard that right. Being the animal lover I am not that was the last thing I expected to hear.

Story #2: Apparently some nasty gastroenteritis (sp?) has broken out in two areas of town. Where might this be? Well, one spot is a retirement home and the other is frat row. Am I the only one that is totally confused? How does a gastro something break out in those two places at the same time? I am having difficulty keeping my imagination under wraps and in a place that is appropriate. As a 25-year-old I find myself too old to hang out with the Greek Life folks. I can’t imagine what my grandpas would be doing with them.

Story #3: The city has a rather revolutionary and expensive bus that rolls through town. Yes, I wonder the same thing: How can a bus be revolutionary? That’s not the funny part though. According to the local transit department this bus was awarded honorable mention in its category by an international transportation group. The international group was never named, which I found suspicious and honorable mention was never defined. As far as I know honorable mention could mean the bus was self-nominated but not good enough to place. So every bus that participated received some type of recognition. I need more details to actually believe that this award means anything.

Story #4: As a tease for the weather forecast a cow in a random field was shown. It was kind of cool seeing the cow stare at the camera from a distance but I wasn’t sure what that had to do with the weather. Am I supposed to feel sorry for the cow because it has to stand in the rain for 9 months out of the year?

Story #5: The uber-talented sports reporter got in a few words about his upcoming segment on the local college basketball team before a commercial break. My wife heard him say, “rockin’ like dat” when talking about the home gym. I wasn’t sure if I heard those exact words but when it comes to listening my wife certainly is better than I at it. Our marriage couldn’t possibly be the only one where the wife is a better listener. Whether or not the sportscaster said those exact words we may never know but I have to go with what my wife heard.

As For Tonight: The lead story being talked about during commercials of primetime shows is a local family driving 1,000 miles with a dead grandma in the car. Something tells me this family loves to watch Little Miss Sunshine together.


elmazz said...

#1- We surely have a few wacko's in town. Did that near by town happen to be - Springfield...

#2- Maybe they were filming "Grandma Gone Wild"

#3 That's the Cities way of justifying a 6 million dollar piece of shit.

#4- Again - wacko!

#5 The wife is better at everything- Know that.

KP said...

I'm glad you both have figured out that the "wife is better at everything"- I think that is why I like working with both of you ;~>