Monday, May 5, 2008

Am I A Runner?

I enjoy the occasional run. I wear running shorts but they are the longest ones Nike makes. When I go on long runs I have a water bottle belt and energy gel. I also have a foam roller for silly runner guy stretches. Last but not least, I live in TrackTown USA. Given all of this I still was not sure if I truly was a runner. Well, I think I put that to rest early last week. What did I do you now ask?

I woke up early (for me) to go on a run in an effort to simulate starting a half marathon at the crack of dawn. Let's just say my body does not do so well in the mornings but I tried to combat that by using the bathroom just before I left. My run started pretty well until about the 2-mile mark. I planned an 8-miler so I was barely a quarter of the way through. It was at this point that my insides were telling me they wanted to be emptied. I figured I would have a chance to get to a porta-potty about 1/3 of a mile away. Unfortunately, even walking did nothing to minimize the discomfort.

I then decided to do what I see every unleashed (against the rules might I add) dog in Alton Baker Park do: veer off the path and find a suitable collection of trees to let loose. Lucky for me I found this spot about 150 feet off the path with the trees serving as a suitable barrier between the path and myself. The only problem would be if one of Eugene's many homeless people staggered out of the bushes opposite my barrier. It was a chance I was willing to take given the odds were pretty slim since panhandling hours seem to mirror those of rush hour traffic. (Did you know my research has shown panhandling to be the 4th most popular industry in Lane County behind education, RVs and medicine?)

The obvious question is: What would I use to finish the job? Since I did have another 6 miles to go and my route took me closer to civilization a plan was needed. It was at this point that I was thankful Eugene's weather is colder and rainier than most because I was wearing 3 layers on my upper torso. Also, I had an exact of one of the layers at home! Really, how great is that? I can relieve myself, toss the materials needed to fully relieve myself and not miss that dri-fit one bit.
I will spare the details of the actual relieving part but know that it felt great. It was invigorating to know that I had become a true runner. And all it cost me was a dri-fit (which I had two of) off my back. The location of my episode shall remain a mystery but know that if you see a Eugene transient that scoured through garbage near Autzen wearing a stylish dri-fit there is a legendary story behind it.

I will leave you with some advice. Should you be in the woods and have no toilet paper, dri-fit material is glorious. A wee bit more expensive than leaves, but glorious nonetheless.


elmazz said...

WOW, I can't believe that I just read a story about JM shitting in some random bushes and and how great that felt, and then to cap it off with the feeling of dri-fit on ones arse. AWESOME! I am sure your wife is SO proud of you!

da winna said...

true runner? you are not one...i've only met a few real runners in my short lifetime and you would not fit the title. You stopped during your run?!? and you lost a nice shirt in the process to pooooie and that's just messed up man. If one of those homeless guys saw you out in the woods even they would stare at you baffling shaking their head. this link will show you what you have to do to be a legit runner