Saturday, April 19, 2008

I'm Back

It has been a while since I posted but I have had a difficult time trying to figure out a schedule with a new addition to the family. I figured a good way to get back on the saddle would be to detail the trip to the grocery store that confirmed my status as a new dad.

My wife has not been outside the house much since the birth, mainly because the weather has sucked. It has been a few weeks since my mother-in-law was in town so the inventory of some "items" were running low. I was headed to the store so what's another item to pick up? My wife informs me of the style of the "item" and says it does not matter what brand it is. So I head off to work for the day and spend the day figuring out how I am going to get the "items" without embarrassing myself. As I leave work, I feel good about my plan and drive to the store.

I walk in the store like I am on a mission. I stop by the produce area and pick up some fruit. Then I venture to the bread aisle for some bagels and go back to the cheese area for some cream cheese. Things were going very smoothly and I was starting to feel good about buying the "items." Part of my plan was to walk at a brisk pace so no one thinks I am lost or confused. That all stopped when I tried to find the aisle containing the "items". I felt like Pac-Man towards the end of a level when all of the ghost-like things are closing in on him. I started in the women's make-up and haircare aisle. No luck. I then venture to the pharmacy and nearly sprint down the aisles. No luck. So as the ghost-like things are getting very close I kind of panic. I furiously scanned the signs above the aisles for something that would resemble "women's items". In an effort to get away from the front of the store and rethink my plan I storm down the diapers aisle so I can look lost at the back of the store.

Much to my surprise the "items" were in this aisle. Who is the genius that decides it should be labeled "Incontinence" on the aisle sign? I have never heard of the word and am frightened to look up what it means. As a service to all future husbands I believe this is a term that needs to be discussed in marriage counseling. Heaven forbid they call it "chick stuff" to help us out a little. Now that I have stumbled upon the "items" I have to find the requested style. Come to find out I have no problem finding the style but there are at least 34 brands and that is when I nearly aborted the mission.

I'll admit to being completely overwhelmed and the fact that I think I heard women at the end of the aisle gossiping about my presence in their aisle did not help matters. I then just grabbed a random brand in the requested style and jammed to the self-checkout line. There was no way I was going to have one of the chatty Kathy checkout ladies try to strike up a conversation with me. I needed to get out of there fast. The checkout process was uneventful and I proceeded home to plead with my wife to give me a specific brand next time. I am a nice enough guy to go out and buy these "items" again but I need to have the possible choices narrowed significantly from 300.

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